Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?” Genesis 16: 13 NKJV
It's been awhile since I have been here with You. It has been difficult to be here. I know that isn't a good excuse but it has. Somehow I managed to get lost in the desert. Rather than to keep moving and stay focused on You, I allowed myself somehow to get lost here in this place of famine. It isn't that I like it here. It's just that I am paralyzed to move past it. This is a time of revealing just how hard this journey is going to be. I am so thirsty here in this desert. I crave Your presence. I need to know You are here and I am where I am supposed to be.
It's hard to be here alone. I know You are with me, but part of me longs for human companionship and support here. I so need someone to be Jesus with flesh on them, not only for me, but for my family. God, how do you claim the promises of the verse about where two or three or gathered, when you can't gather two or three? I always thought it was crazy in the Bible that there wasn't enough people found to save Sodom and Gomorrah or more to put on the ark, but I'm finding that people who are willing to go the distance are hard to find even today.
So here I am in the desert knowing that I need to leave. I can't sit here in this barren dry place and do what You have asked me to do. But God for me to move there seems impossible. This place You are asking me to go. This place where You are leading me. God, it promises pain and suffering. I already had a taste of it this week. God, if they think what I have written is raw and offensive now, what will they think of what is to come? What You are asking of me can be nothing less.
And so much like Hagar in the wilderness, I find myself in the presence of the God Who Sees. I have seen Him who sees me. And what did you have me do? Look up the definition of raw. Raw means to be in it's natural state, not processed or purified...not evaluated or analyzed...strong and undisguised...bleak, cold, and damp...red and painful. And there's a breakthrough here in this place of famine. Yes it is raw. It is supposed to be raw. For where I am is bleak, cold, damp, and painful. What I write is strong and undisguised. I am not processed and purified. I am a work in progress. And what I say is real...not evaluated and analyzed to please man, but straight from a heart touched by You. And as far as being offensive....well now You can be offensive to people too, can't You?
And God most importantly, this feeling alone. God, I can do a lot. I can go through a lot. But God, the one thing I cannot do is to live this life without You. You are my maker. You are my Prince of Peace. You are my mighty warrior. You are my God....my all in all. The only one that matters is You. Even if I lose everyone else, I cannot lose You. So God, can we leave this desert? You have my everything. I told You I will go there. You have me....ANYTHING. I have seen Him who sees me and there is nowhere else I want to be. I want nothing more than to walk this journey with the God Who Sees.