In the Hand of God
Tomorrow is the first day of March. Those who know me well know that March is a tough month for me. Most of the toughest and life-changing moments happened during the last two weeks of March. It has been said that the weather in March either comes in as a lion or a lamb and then exits as the other. It has been my experience that emotionally March tends to come in as a lamb and exit as a lion.
Sometimes life is just hard. For some reason it seems that March has been especially hard for my side of the family. My uncle whom I adored passed away on March 20 from lung cancer. My aunt, his sister, passed away from pneumonia on March 28 several years later. I was standing by my grandfather's bedside when he passed away on March 27, 2013. March has brought scares of possible cancer, hospital tests, and impending surgery for my daughter. March can be life changing. March brought the experience of my first flight, my first delivery of a eulogy, and my first real experience hearing God's voice. March has birthed dreams for my life and brought brokenness to my heart.
And so tomorrow, I head into March again.
It would be easy to fear March. There is an unspoken revelation that comes when the calendar changes dates and reminds you what anniversary is marked by this day. Little reminders of what you've lost. Tiny glimpses of what you once took for granted and now your heart aches to return there if even for just one day. Painful reflections on where you failed. They all wait for you like snares to trap you into wasting more time, losing more moments, adding more failure.
But then you're reminded of the other side of those memories. The wonderful opportunity you had to love those family members. The awesome memories of soaring through the clouds with your husband and children to go to your favorite place. Those bike rides and late night board games with your uncle. The way your aunt could make you laugh. The reverence you felt when your grandfather's spirit left the room and the smiles that came despite the tears as you delivered his eulogy. The news that your daughter didn't have cancer. And the most life changing dream you would ever dream that continues to open doors you never thought to enter.
And then you're reminded Who you know. You know the Lion of the tribe of Judah. You know the Lamb of God. You have witnessed with your own life the power and the fierceness of the Lion. You have rested in His strength and you have watched Him protect you by His power. You have been to the cross where the Lamb went to be slaughtered, and you have been washed in His blood.
And so you know that this March may bring its own trials and tribulations, but you also know that whether it blows in as a Lamb or as a Lion makes little difference because your life has been washed in the blood of the Lamb. You don't have to worry about how little strength you have because your power comes from the Lion of Judah. My prayer is that I learn from what I've lost and like them leave a legacy, for they too knew the Lion and the Lamb.
Just as March brings the renewal of spring, may it bring forth revival and renewal in me and those around me. For March is also the birth of a calling from the Lion to tell others about the Lamb. And so, here am I, send me.
You are the one who gave me the greatest title I will ever hold - that of Mom. You are the one who taught me what unconditional love felt like. You are the one who gave me so many firsts and taught me so many things. I cannot imagine what my life would have been like without you in it. You taught me to love. You taught me what it's means to love someone so much that you truly would give your life for them. You made me laugh, even on days when I really didn't feel like it. You brought me joy.
I was so blessed that God chose you to be mine. I was given a very special little boy to love. I will never forget the way you held the baby ducks when you were only two, being so cautious not to hurt their legs and gently placing them in the water. We would sit you in the grass at the farm and the baby goats would come up to you and you would try to kiss them on the nose. My mind goes back to all those moments I hold in my heart, and each one reminds me of how blessed I am to have you in my life and how truly special you are. .
And now you're getting married. You will no longer sit at my breakfast table. I won't hear you laughing in the loft playing video games with your sister. You won't come in my sitting room just to sit in the chair and hang out with me for no reason. You will no longer sit at the foot of my bed and talk to your dad and me before we go to sleep. You won't yell goodnight from your room. And I can't imagine you not being there...that little blond headed boy has grown into a handsome young man and it's time for you to go.
First, let me say how proud I am of you. I am blessed beyond measure to call you mine. You have grown into the most loving human being I know. I watched you speak at your great-grandfather's funeral and realized how strong of a man you were becoming. I've watched you help your great-grandparents and your grandparents., spending the night, helping with tasks when you had other things to do, and making them smile. You love God. You might not be perfect, but you sincerely try to live life honestly, lovingly, and according to what you've been taught. I never had to worry about you getting into trouble. Even as an adult, you text your mom to let her know you're out of the lake so she won't worry. You are trustworthy and honest. I believe with all my heart that you wouldn't ever hurt anyone on purpose. You love your sister and for that I am grateful. I pray that the two of you will be lifelong friends and support each other no matter what.
And so as you go off to start your own family, my prayer is that you rest in the confidence that I am proud of who you are. I am excited about the wonderful things that lie ahead of you. I pray that you take your responsibility as spiritual leader of your household seriously. My prayer is that you love your bride as Christ loved the church. I pray that she remains confident in your ability to lead and that she is able to entrust her heart and family to your leadership. I want you to feel confident in making your own decisions, yet know if you need advice or an ear that I am always here.
I am proud of you for choosing a beautiful bride who loves the Lord. I have prayed for her for years. It wasn't until recently that I knew her name, but I knew one day she would come. For it is this beautiful young woman who will take my place. She will now be the one you go to with your questions, the flowers you pick in the field, and the one you tell the news from your day. She will be the woman who now holds your heart. I am grateful that my future grandchildren will be blessed with the gift of Christian parents. I pray that the two of you grown in love for each other, and that you learn to spread your wings and fly.
And so my precious boy, it's time to let you go. And that is harder than you realize, for you carry part of my heart with you always. Be patient with me as I learn to love from a new position. Try to understand why I need to hear your voice sometimes, and why I text you just to tell you that I love you. Because while you are starting out with new hopes and dreams, I'm at home trying to get used to your room being empty, to the strange quietness upstairs, and to an empty chair at my table. And so sometimes, I will just need to remind you how much I love you and how absolutely blessed I am to be your mom.
So stretch your wings and fly knowing that I am watching with pride and unconditional love. May your life be filled with joy, love, and wonderful memories. And one day when you become a dad, I hope you understand how much I love you.