In the Hand of God
She is like the merchant ships. Proverbs 31:14
I have to admit that I am struggling. I came back from a wonderful holy experience and rather than jumping headfirst into ministry, I have found myself sitting quietly waiting for Him to speak. I found my experience with the Holy Spirit to be so humbling and so life changing that as far as writing or sharing goes, I almost feel as though I am mute. I feel like a sailing ship that has been constructed and fitted with new strong sails, yet I am destined to sit in the harbor. I can feel the tug of the current beneath me, ready at any moment to bear me out into the open seas, yet my anchor is holding me fast to the safety of the harbor.
Here in the harbor I still endure storms. I still feel the wind whip through my sails as if to mock them as though they are useless where I am. They tempt me to venture out from the harbor early, but my Captain has not yet bid me to sail. Part of me longs to have these sails unfurled and allow the wind to catch them and move me out to deeper waters. But part of me...part of me would be content to never have even left the shipyard, to just have been on display and never feel water against me at all.
As I wait here among the other boats, I sometimes grow impatient and feel as though the Captain has decided not to use me after all and has chosen another vessel. Sometimes I catch glimpses of the sails of other boats against the horizon and find myself envious of the picturesque sunset lying in their path. I sometimes wonder if the waters there are tranquil and serene as they look from here in the harbor, or could it be that the waves there aren't peaceful at all but rough and choppy.
I know that my Captain knows best, and that He wants to ensure that I can withstand the tumultuous waves that I am sure to encounter. I know that He has worked to make me as seaworthy as possible in order to keep me from sinking. He has tested my sails and proved them to withstand the fiercest of winds. He has shown me the beauty of life away from the shore.
So I wait here in the harbor, watching other boats leave the harbor knowing not in which direction they will journey. I am often tossed between the desire to set sail and the fear the high seas bring. There is both a beauty and a threat to sailing deep waters. Sometimes just the slightest of waves here in the harbor is enough to cause me to wish to remain on land, yet I must trust that my Captain knows my ship and will guide me when the time arrives to leave the harbor and sail into the unknown.
So until I am called upon to unfurl my sails and leave the harbor, I will watch the sailboats in the distance. I will learn from their voyages and find strength in their journeys. And then one day I too will sail....sail away with my Captain to be a beacon against a dark canvas, casting nets into the sea of life in order to fish for souls.