In the Hand of God |
In the Hand of God |
Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me. Isaiah 6:8 KJV God, This year has been a year of dramatic change in my life. I don't pretend to know what it is You are trying to teach me or where it is that You are leading me. I had no idea where 2013 would take me or what it would have in store for me, but You did. I think you tried to prepare me. I know that there were messages, little whispers from You, but I didn't fully understand. I think back to that dream in early March when You told me to let go and not be afraid to fall. So many changes since then....God, I'm trying, but the truth is, I am still struggling with being able to let go. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the girl I see. I am not who I was in January. I am not even who I was in March. I am different. I have been broken and in the Hands of the Potter, I am being renewed and transformed. What is it that You are making me to be? I am just a cracked pot. I am not a perfectly smooth vessel, but a jar of clay that contains breaks and cracks. At face value I appear to be nothing, but when Your light shines through the cracks, I feel beautiful. God, I am not a 'sit in the pew" kind of Christian. I know that my family and I are in a period of transition. Perhaps it is a time for us to learn. Perhaps it is a time of rest like my husband seems to hope. But God, I don't think I can rest. I don't think I know how. I am not even sure that that is what You have in mind for me, the way I feel must be from You. I have these two beautiful children that You allowed me to carry and watch grow in You. They both want to serve You. They are both mission bound. My husband feels a calling of his own. I thought maybe that my job was to support them. I thought maybe You were calling me to be their partners, but God, I'm starting to think that maybe just maybe, You have something for me too. God, this life is too short to waste. I want to be brave. I want to be dedicated. I want to be Your hands and feet. I want to feel You under my fingernails. Maybe I did birth a Daniel and an Esther, but maybe I am part of that too. God, I want to be part of the Esther generation. I don't want to be content with sitting on a pew and just blending in with my surroundings. I want to be a woman who says yes to God and I want to do it now. God, please tell me that You aren't finished with me yet. I know in my heart that You are up to something. I have no idea what it is, but I must admit that I am getting excited. Take me out of my comfort zone. Teach me to free fall and enjoy it, knowing that I will always land in Your hand. Make me get my hands dirty and feel what it feels like to live a life of service for You. God, here I am....send me. Your daughter, Michelle
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For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:3 NKJV Why is it so hard for us to be real? Why are we so afraid to take off the mask and show our authentic selves? What is it that we are so afraid of? Why is it that we put so much value in the opinions of others that we are willing to sacrifice who we really are? I remember being disappointed to find out that some buildings I saw on television, in theme parks, or in some towns had false fronts. I was always intrigued by multi-story buildings. To find that some of these buildings were mere false fronts was devastating to me. I didn't understand why anyone would want to create a façade that a second story existed when really it did not. The only thing more disappointing was that as I grew older, I came to find that many people have created the same façade. They make it appear that that is another level to them that doesn't really exist. They are so consumed with pleasing people that they forget who they are, they forget who God made them to be. They usually appear to be happy and easy to get along with, but inside they are miserable. Yes, people adore them. People want to be with them, maybe even to be like them. Bosses love them. They are people pleasers. The only problem is that they seldom are pleased with themselves. I am guilty of being many things, but not so much a people pleaser. I kind of like Isaiah 2:22. "Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?" In other words, why do you value the opinion of man? He is only promised the breath that resides in his nostrils. He has no control over your life. But there is One who does. Why be so consumed with the opinion of other people? Is it not better and of more eternal value to concern yourself with the opinion that God has of you? I was raised in a family that valued work ethic and a held a sincere reverence for God. I was raised to be a Colossians 3:23 girl. "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men." This world we live in is hungry. They are hungry for someone to not be afraid to be real. They want to see the authentic you, the unmasked version. A few weeks ago my emotional stability was questioned. At first I will admit that I was hurt. And then I found my way to the book of Psalms. Ever read the book of Psalms? Notice how many times David was real with God. Notice the rawness of his cry to the Almighty. Notice the realness, the authenticity, the removing of the façade. This man was real. He wasn't perfect, but he knew the One who knew his heart. He wasn't afraid to be broken. He wasn't afraid to express his fears and weaknesses. He was real. And guess what? Guess who God chose to be the King of Israel? This broken, non-perfect, weak, real man. Sometimes maybe I seem emotionally unstable. I definitely don't fit the mold of living a façade. I was raised to believe that God made me to be who I am for a purpose. I am not perfect, but I am His creation. Yes, I have faults, but I was taught that the ones who matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter, My job is to reach out to a lost and dying world. I am called to be real. I am called to live an authentic life. I am called to lay my mask at the door and be who I was created to be and nothing more. People want to know that you are just like them. They want to know that you cry when you hurt. They want to know that sometimes you get angry. They want to see you love and laugh. They want to see you are broken just like them, for it is in your brokenness that HIs light shines through. "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 NKJV. So I encourage you to be brave. Be authentic. Be real. Don't be afraid to be a cracked pot that His light can shine through. You will make your Daddy proud! The last seven weeks of my life have been tough. I have felt physical pain, defeat, frustration, and loneliness. Yet I have also felt unspeakable joy, unexplainable peace, and incredibly close to God. I just finished a Bible study tonight that I was doing with a friend. I don't know that I was successful in reaching my initial goals for the Bible study, but I did grow in my walk with God in ways that I never imagined when I agreed to start the study. I wasn't expecting this study to be the kind of study in which you find yourself having your life turned completely upside down. It wasn't even that kind of Bible study. But here I am....changed. I barely recognize that girl who started that study the last week of July. She is different. I won't go into all the details, but as the weeks pass you will see them start to emerge. In the past few weeks, I have talked with God. Not audible dialog, but dialog none the less. He has whispered in my ear more than once in the last few weeks. He has stripped me of all the props I used to hold myself up, and has let me learn to free fall...right into His arms. He has reminded of things that I had almost forgotten. He has sent me signs that let me know He is there. I am learning to let go and trust Him. In our search for a new church home, I have tried to be quiet. I have tried to listen to Him, and to let my husband be our spiritual leader. I have tried to let my kids help to lead rather than be led. I will confess that I despise the process of looking for a church. When I was eight or nine, my entire family left the only church I had ever known and began the painful process of searching for a new home. I dreaded Sunday mornings because I always was the one who went to Sunday School alone with strangers. I couldn't understand why we had to make this change. Yesterday we visited that church I left when I was eight or nine, for the second time this month. Yesterday morning my husband sang in the choir. I wanted to be up there too, but I wouldn't go. It's too hard for a broken heart to grab on to something too soon. The fear is too much. But last night I watched as people filed into the choir. I watched the song leader pick up the red church hymnal (one of the requirements a church must have according to my kids). I watched my husband stand up to go to the choir. It was too much. I was up before I knew it and headed for the choir. First came page 34. Then page 4. And then page 76...Jesus Spoke to Me. Now, I'm not the best singer. I don't pretend to be. But I will say that I have learned how to carry alto pretty good on page 76 if need be. Last night I sang it, but not like I usually would. I don't know how loud I was singing, or if anyone could even hear me because my heart was beating so hard in my chest. And from the direction of the empty chair to my right, I heard that whisper again. A whisper, and yet so loud it was deafening. "Michelle, I told you not to be afraid, for I am with you. Be not dismayed; for I am your God: I will strengthen you. I will help you. I am holding you with the right hand of my righteousness." There is was...my favorite verse, Isaiah 41:10. But it wasn't on a page in my Bible. He was pausing again for me. Pausing just for a minute to whisper a sweet peaceful reminder in my ear. "Michelle, you silly girl. You only missed two weeks. Here you stand with a red book in your hands in the alto section of the choir. My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are my ways your ways. The next time I tell you to jump, just do it. Haven't you learned by now that no one loves you as much as I do? Haven't you learned that you may fall, but you are never out of the reach of My hand?" If I had to choose a verse to describe my life lately, it would be Deuteronomy 2:3. Who would find a verse in Deuteronomy to describe their life? Seriously, what is in Deuteronomy except a lot of speeches from Moses and more of the law? Well there in the beginning of Deuteronomy lies this little verse: "Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward." Deuteronomy 2:3 KJV. Or in the language of the NASB just to make it clearer, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." That is what I feel like God has been saying to me lately. "Michelle. you have been here long enough. You have circled this mountain so many times you have it memorized. Michelle, stop going in circles, it's time to turn north." A different direction...sometimes you just get used to same path, the same people. Sometimes you just find yourself getting so comfortable that you can walk the path and not pay that much attention. And so maybe I have circled the mountain long enough. Maybe it is time for a different direction. What if sometimes we get so acquainted with the path circling the mountain that we forget to climb the mountain itself? Maybe we just enjoyed the mountaintop so much that we want to hang around and just keep circling what we knew at one point to be good. Maybe sometimes it's just that the mountain is familiar and that to us is good enough. But sometimes if you listen, God whispers and says to quit circling the mountain and head in a different direction. For my family and me, this has meant a change in where we used to belong. It has meant a journey to find where God wants us to be. For me personally, it has also been a call to quit circling around the mountain carrying a backpack full of excuses. It is a call to lay down the excuses and all that encumbers me, and to quit circling and start climbing. Maybe God is telling all of us that it's time to stop circling the mountain and to head north. What mountain are you circling and why? "For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; " (Luke 12:48 NKJV) If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times...."to whom much is given, much is expected." I never looked that verse up until he passed away. I didn't have a need to read it for myself because I knew that he knew it was there and he reminded me of the verse often enough. I have been given much. I am blessed beyond measure. I have done nothing to deserve the blessings that have come to my life from the hand of God. I am merely the recipient of His undeserved grace and mercy. But for some reason they come....the blessings. They are there, too numerous to count. I find them behind storm clouds. I find them under rocks that I struggled to overturn. Sometimes they are hidden in sleepless nights or tears that fall way too easy. But there are blessings everyday. Years ago I heard His voice calling me to write. I had asked Him how it was that I was supposed to share the many wonderful things I had witnessed Him orchestrate in my life to my kids . I had asked Him how I was supposed to begin to communicate to them how very real God was and how absolutely essential He had been in my life. He told me to write it down. My answer? I am not a writer. And yet, here I am. I am ready to write. I had a dream in March in which He asked me to jump from a ledge, trusting that He would catch me, but not promising that He wouldn't allow me to fall for awhile. Since that dream I lost my precious grandfather, awaited news to see if my daughter had cancer, went on the trip of a lifetime, and have lost most of the titles that I would have used to define who I am. What changed my mind? Within five days in the month of August, I went from being a Sunday School teacher, choir member, Christmas program director, effective teacher, and Colossians 3:23 employee to none of the above. When I ran to Him crying that I didn't understand why I had to give up what I thought was my ministry. When I ran to Him and asked why I was defined by test scores or why the truth had made me a prisoner rather than free. When I ran to tell Him that I was overwhelmed and tired. What was His response? First I found myself once again In the Hand of God, surrounded by the peace that passes all understanding. And then I heard that all familiar answer....write it down, Michelle. Yes, I give you my comfort, but I don't mean for you to keep it to yourself. And so according to 2 Corinthians 1:4, "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." , here is my blog. Maybe years spent being found in, and being led by, the hand of God, can help comfort someone else. |
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