In the Hand of God |
In the Hand of God |
Tomorrow is the first day of March. The majority of events that have proved themselves to be life-changing for me have occurred in the month of March. When I was fifteen, my uncle passed away in March at the age of 33. My life was never the same. Years later my aunt, his sister, passed away as well. Last March was no different. Last March my life changed forever. On March 27, 2013, I lost my grandfather. He loved me unlike anyone else. I wasn't prepared for the hole that his absence would leave in my heart. But perhaps the biggest change in my life occurred on March 18. 2013. I have heard God speak to me in many different ways, but never really audibly in a dream. I dreamed I was with Stephen and the kids in a tall building and there had been an earthquake. Most of the building had fallen away and we were on an upper floor with only a small section of a hallway to walk on or you would fall to your death. All the doors were locked, but there was a hallway a few feet away that led to safety. We found a ladder to stretch across a missing section of hallway and put a board on it, and Stephen got across and then I sent the kids. They ran ahead to get help and I told them I would follow. As they went out of sight, the ladder fell. I was left standing in a locked doorway clinging to the door facing and was praying. In my dream, God told me to let go of the door facing. I was crying and told Him I would fall. He answered, "Yes, for a few minutes, but then I will catch you." I reminded Him that I can ride any roller coaster, but that I hate free fall. He simply stated, " I know that. That's why I need you to trust Me enough to let go." I let go of the door facing and could feel myself falling and then I stopped in midair landing on a mattress. I woke up and my heart was beating out of my chest. At the time I thought the dream was to tell me not to worry about some issues we were having with some real estate. Little did I know, but that wasn't it at all. God was getting me ready to learn how to let go and trust Him completely. The year that has followed that dream has been more life-changing for me that any other time of my life. God set me on a path to learning that loving Him wasn't safe and following Him wasn't easy, but it was definitely worth it. In the last twelve months, I have faced many things. I'm not talking about normal everyday issues like family squabbles and finances. I faced mountains and heart breaking moments that made me forget how to breathe. In the last year, I went from clinging in desperation to door facings, like my positions and my personal strengths to holding absolutely nothing and falling helplessly and fearfully into the hand of God. As March returns tomorrow, I find myself a new creation. I no longer bother to reach for the door facing or any other person or thing. I have learned not only to let go, but to willingly jump when God calls me to do so. The experiences of the last year brought me pain, sorrow, and extraordinary loss. But let me assure you that the experiences of the last year also brought me unspeakable joy and a stronger desire to truly surrender my life to God. There is no joy that compares to when you find yourself in the deepest darkest of pits surrounded by your worst fears having become your reality, and quietly you hear His voice whispering in the darkness that He hasn't left you, and to lift your head for your Father is waiting to hold your heart and dry your tears. And so I prepare to march boldly into this month of March, knowing that the God who created everything knows my heart and wishes to heal the broken places. I believe that the experiences that left me broken in the last twelve months, will be the very experiences that prepare me for something beautiful in the next twelve months. God had a lesson for me. He wanted to teach me to free fall. Now that I have learned to trust His hand, I truly believe my next lesson will not be how to fall, but how to soar.
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Eventually it has to stop doesn't it? He has to know how tired I am doesn't He? And yet the burdens pile higher and not just imcreasing in steps anymore, but coming in multiple in the same day. It isn't like this is new really. The burdens have become my normal, but just not this overwhelming. Yet I don't dare ask why, because I know the answer. I was warned. I even wrote it down in October. "The day you step out in faith, put yourself out there, state your opinions, declare yourself for Christ...that day the enemy sets his sights on you with fervor." That's what I had done. I made a decision in August to step out in faith toward something I felt God calling me. Since that time the calling has become stronger and the attack has increased. The temptation to throw up my hands is always present. I am completely aware of my own insecurities and weaknesses. I am perfectly aware of how impossible the call seems. I am aware of how difficult the journey will be for my family. I realize that the best thing to do seems to be to just try to forget about it....but I can't. The voice is getting louder. The beckoning within my soul is sometimes deafening. As much as I try to fight it, the more I find myself wanting it. Every time I find myself almost letting go, He sends confirmation and usually in a very big and undeniable way. So I find myself standing on the edge of God's will and what seems realistic. I find myself torn between the dream of a call and the realism of the struggle. I know that choosing to deny the call is to deny a blessing....possibly my true God-given appointment. I hear the thunder, feel the rain, and see the lightning. I feel the doubt and fear start to creep inside. In the noise of the storm I can barely hear His voice saying, "If you want to follow and choose this path, don't be afraid of the battle . I will fight the battle for you. You must simply position yourself, stand still, and see what I will do." (2 Chronicles 20:17) And so I continue with renewed determination knowing that the God who calls me will make the way. . My only hope, my only peace, is that He is working in it all...I am broken and in the hands of the Potter. Even in the pain there is no better place to be. When he came to his senses, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have food to spare, and here I am starving to death!" Luke 15:17 NIV I wake up to the blessing of a snow day, and reach to check for messages on my phone. I run across an article, and after reading just a couple of paragraphs I am struck by a truth. I cannot finish reading the article because I lay there almost paralyzed by its words. How does a person become so out of touch with everything and everyone around you that you forget the things or people who are most important? I know how that happens. You settle for the pigsty. As a firstborn, I have never cared much for the story of the Prodigal Son because I understand how the brother felt. However, today I find myself identifying with the Prodigal himself. In Luke 15, the prodigal finds himself in a place where he is not happy, but must stay in order to survive...or so he thinks. Every morning he awakens only to realize that it is simply another day when he must go and work among the pigs. Being forced to a level where he had to work with pigs was humiliating for this young man. Not only are pigs filthy animals who find pleasure in wallowing in their own feces mixed with mud, but he was a Jew and pigs to them were unclean in a religious sense as well. This young man who once experienced the luxury of living in his father's house, now found himself so hungry that he would have welcomed the chance to eat the slop alongside the pigs in an attempt to satisfy his hunger. The Bible doesn't say how long he remained in this state, but it is clear to say that one day he came to himself. One day he came to his senses and realized that there was a better life outside the pigsty. This morning I came to myself. I realized that not unlike the Prodigal, I too am experiencing life in the pigsty. I have at some point accepted that existing in the pigsty is the only way I can survive. I have grown accustomed to life among pigs. Rather than avoid the muck and the smell, I find myself climbing daily into the pen with the pigs, mired up in feces and mud, and breathing in the scent of their filth. Day in and day out, I continue to live in this existence. And then just as the ProdiIgal, I remember my Father. I remember what my life used to look like when I lived in His house. I remember what it was like to hear laughter and see a table filled with nutritious food. I remember what it was to be happy...I remember joy. I see myself deep in this mire, surrounded by pigs covered in layers and layers of dried feces and mud, and I remember that if I could just see my Father then life could be better. And so I start the struggle of climbing out of the pigsty, gently raising my feet one step at a time from the mire in order to make my way to the fence. I had failed to notice just how far into the muck I had allowed myself to venture. The distance to the fence can seem so far that you almost decide it might be easier to stay with the pigs. But I cannot continue to stay here in the pigsty because I am hungry. I have grown so hungry that I was almost willing to eat the slop alongside the pigs. But this hunger cannot be satisfied with slop, this hunger can only be filled at the table of my Father. And so I make my way out of the pigsty. I am on my way to feast at my Father's table. I know that the blessings awaiting me are more than I could imagine and that He is waiting. He has so much more planned for me than to toil among the pigs. I have waited much too long to partake of the blessings from His table, but I am on my way. nor give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:27 NKJV It's hard to even post the picture for his entry. It is the one thing I allow Satan to have a place. It is the one thing that I allow him to prod me with over and over. It is the one thing that no one understands completely, except for him and God. It is the one thing that he can hurt with me with the most...and he knows it. Christmas....my absolute favorite time of the year. As a young girl, I fell in love with Christmas. I learned early how to hold Christmas in my heart and live it throughout the year. I spend hours thinking about that first Christmas night....about what it was like. About that young girl who had been chosen by God to carry His only Son. We don't always think about it, but how alone and afraid she must have felt. And Joseph, a man taking a wife who was pregnant knowing it wasn't his, just because God told him to go ahead. Those shepherds, the poorest of the poor, being the ones God chose to announce the birth of the Messiah. Wise Men traveling for months to worship a promised king....a baby in Bethlehem. The miracle of Christmas...the story of God pausing for all of humankind. The story of God taking the time to wrap the most precious gift the world has ever been given and send it in the form of a baby. The night when Love was born. That was the title for the drive through nativity last year. It came from one of the most beautiful Christmas songs I have ever heard. It was perfect heading for the telling of the story. The hours I spent trying to develop scenes that would show the world the story of that beautiful night. My personal offering to God. I would walk around just before it started and pray at each scene that God would use it, that He would let those people in those cars see the miracle of the first Christmas night. It wasn't just a Christmas program, it was my Christmas offering to a God who had shown me what it means to hold Christmas in your heart and I wanted to share it with everyone else. This year brought changes and I am no longer directing a drive through nativity. Of all the changes in my life this year, it is the one that Satan helps me hold onto...the one thing I manage to let him use most. I know that God has other things in mind for me, for my family. I know that He is leading us. But there is this empty space...this part of my heart that craves the chance to share that story in a visual form. There is a part of me that aches to see a little boy so excited because he saw the Baby Jesus on the other side of the church and his parents are taking him around for the third time. There is a part of me that wants to see a church come together and do its very best to tell the greatest story ever told. It came from somewhere this weekend...I can't find anywhere I would have read it, so maybe He told me. Sometimes you have to put something down so you can pick up something greater. God, I am trying to put it down, but it's almost November and these arms feel so empty. God, even as I sit here typing, the tears won't stop flowing. It is so hard to put something down that meant so much to so many. I know that if You gave me the ministry to start with, You can always give it to me again or maybe something different. God, help me to be grateful for the opportunity to witness the beauty of it while I held it. To be thankful that it was, even if it is no longer. And God, please never let me lose this childlike wonder of Christmas....the manger, the shepherds, the teenage girl and her husband, the singing of angels, and the Baby wrapped in swaddling clothes. Let those pictures of that first Christmas forever remain in my mind and my heart. May I always close my eyes and see the night when Love was born. Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil walks about like a roaring lion, seeking whom he may devour. I Peter 5:8NJKV If there is one thing that I have come to know all too well in my Christian walk, it is this: Satan is real, and he wants to destroy you. I know some people question whether or not Satan is real. Trust me, not only is he real, but he knows you and he makes it his business to know what makes you tick. The fastest way to get Satan's attention is to make a commitment to God. It has been my experience that Satan is content with leaving me alone as long as I am indifferent and not in the will of God. The minute I choose to engage in a new ministry or to commit myself to a Bible study, he appears. Just yesterday I posted a prayer to God. With an open heart, I expressed my desire to serve Him more. I even made the statement that I wanted to feel Jesus under my fingernails and to get my hands dirty in His service. Well, guess who that woke up? The day that you step out in faith and declare yourself committed to the will of God is the day that you become a target. The enemy, who is constantly walking as a roaring lion seeking whom he may devour, sets his sights on you, sometimes with great fervor and intensity. Making a stand for Christ is an open invitation for Satan to attack. So why set yourself up for that? Why would anyone want to consciously invite Satan to attack? Wouldn't it be easier to just read your Bible, say your prayers, and go to church on Sunday and stay out of his way? God calls Christians to make a stand. God calls us to reach a lost and dying world. God calls us to live a bold and courageous life. He wants us to be His hands and feet. He calls us to take a risk and show His love in tremendous and outrageous ways. But how can we do that when the father of lies is lying in wait for us, to devour us? How can we withstand the wounding and destructive snares that he sets in our path? There is another side to making a commitment to God. If you step out in faith for Him, rest assured that He will never leave you or forsake you. The Bible promises us this. In 2 Chronicles 20: 15, 17 NKJV, we find a promise. "Thus says the Lord to you: ‘Do not be afraid nor dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God’s. You will not need to fight in this battle. Position yourselves, stand still and see the salvation of the Lord, who is with you. Do not fear or be dismayed; tomorrow go out against them, for the Lord is with you.” So as I find myself in a period of attack, I draw strength in this promise. Even though there is a roaring lion seeking to devour me. Even though he knows exactly what will hurt the most. I press on in my journey to follow Christ. I step out in faith knowing that the God of all comfort, the God who promises that He will repay, the God who promises that I will see the salvation of the Lord, is there. And even though the winds may blow, and the rains may fall, I hold on to the truth that my God is bigger and that He will fight the battle if it comes because I am following Him. Also I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, Whom shall I send, and who will go for us? Then said I, Here am I; send me. Isaiah 6:8 KJV God, This year has been a year of dramatic change in my life. I don't pretend to know what it is You are trying to teach me or where it is that You are leading me. I had no idea where 2013 would take me or what it would have in store for me, but You did. I think you tried to prepare me. I know that there were messages, little whispers from You, but I didn't fully understand. I think back to that dream in early March when You told me to let go and not be afraid to fall. So many changes since then....God, I'm trying, but the truth is, I am still struggling with being able to let go. I look in the mirror and I don't recognize the girl I see. I am not who I was in January. I am not even who I was in March. I am different. I have been broken and in the Hands of the Potter, I am being renewed and transformed. What is it that You are making me to be? I am just a cracked pot. I am not a perfectly smooth vessel, but a jar of clay that contains breaks and cracks. At face value I appear to be nothing, but when Your light shines through the cracks, I feel beautiful. God, I am not a 'sit in the pew" kind of Christian. I know that my family and I are in a period of transition. Perhaps it is a time for us to learn. Perhaps it is a time of rest like my husband seems to hope. But God, I don't think I can rest. I don't think I know how. I am not even sure that that is what You have in mind for me, the way I feel must be from You. I have these two beautiful children that You allowed me to carry and watch grow in You. They both want to serve You. They are both mission bound. My husband feels a calling of his own. I thought maybe that my job was to support them. I thought maybe You were calling me to be their partners, but God, I'm starting to think that maybe just maybe, You have something for me too. God, this life is too short to waste. I want to be brave. I want to be dedicated. I want to be Your hands and feet. I want to feel You under my fingernails. Maybe I did birth a Daniel and an Esther, but maybe I am part of that too. God, I want to be part of the Esther generation. I don't want to be content with sitting on a pew and just blending in with my surroundings. I want to be a woman who says yes to God and I want to do it now. God, please tell me that You aren't finished with me yet. I know in my heart that You are up to something. I have no idea what it is, but I must admit that I am getting excited. Take me out of my comfort zone. Teach me to free fall and enjoy it, knowing that I will always land in Your hand. Make me get my hands dirty and feel what it feels like to live a life of service for You. God, here I am....send me. Your daughter, Michelle For if anyone thinks himself to be something, when he is nothing, he deceives himself. Galatians 6:3 NKJV Why is it so hard for us to be real? Why are we so afraid to take off the mask and show our authentic selves? What is it that we are so afraid of? Why is it that we put so much value in the opinions of others that we are willing to sacrifice who we really are? I remember being disappointed to find out that some buildings I saw on television, in theme parks, or in some towns had false fronts. I was always intrigued by multi-story buildings. To find that some of these buildings were mere false fronts was devastating to me. I didn't understand why anyone would want to create a façade that a second story existed when really it did not. The only thing more disappointing was that as I grew older, I came to find that many people have created the same façade. They make it appear that that is another level to them that doesn't really exist. They are so consumed with pleasing people that they forget who they are, they forget who God made them to be. They usually appear to be happy and easy to get along with, but inside they are miserable. Yes, people adore them. People want to be with them, maybe even to be like them. Bosses love them. They are people pleasers. The only problem is that they seldom are pleased with themselves. I am guilty of being many things, but not so much a people pleaser. I kind of like Isaiah 2:22. "Stop trusting in mere humans, who have but a breath in their nostrils. Why hold them in esteem?" In other words, why do you value the opinion of man? He is only promised the breath that resides in his nostrils. He has no control over your life. But there is One who does. Why be so consumed with the opinion of other people? Is it not better and of more eternal value to concern yourself with the opinion that God has of you? I was raised in a family that valued work ethic and a held a sincere reverence for God. I was raised to be a Colossians 3:23 girl. "And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men." This world we live in is hungry. They are hungry for someone to not be afraid to be real. They want to see the authentic you, the unmasked version. A few weeks ago my emotional stability was questioned. At first I will admit that I was hurt. And then I found my way to the book of Psalms. Ever read the book of Psalms? Notice how many times David was real with God. Notice the rawness of his cry to the Almighty. Notice the realness, the authenticity, the removing of the façade. This man was real. He wasn't perfect, but he knew the One who knew his heart. He wasn't afraid to be broken. He wasn't afraid to express his fears and weaknesses. He was real. And guess what? Guess who God chose to be the King of Israel? This broken, non-perfect, weak, real man. Sometimes maybe I seem emotionally unstable. I definitely don't fit the mold of living a façade. I was raised to believe that God made me to be who I am for a purpose. I am not perfect, but I am His creation. Yes, I have faults, but I was taught that the ones who matter don't mind, and the ones who mind, don't matter, My job is to reach out to a lost and dying world. I am called to be real. I am called to live an authentic life. I am called to lay my mask at the door and be who I was created to be and nothing more. People want to know that you are just like them. They want to know that you cry when you hurt. They want to know that sometimes you get angry. They want to see you love and laugh. They want to see you are broken just like them, for it is in your brokenness that HIs light shines through. "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed." - 2 Corinthians 4:7-9 NKJV. So I encourage you to be brave. Be authentic. Be real. Don't be afraid to be a cracked pot that His light can shine through. You will make your Daddy proud! If I had to choose a verse to describe my life lately, it would be Deuteronomy 2:3. Who would find a verse in Deuteronomy to describe their life? Seriously, what is in Deuteronomy except a lot of speeches from Moses and more of the law? Well there in the beginning of Deuteronomy lies this little verse: "Ye have compassed this mountain long enough: turn you northward." Deuteronomy 2:3 KJV. Or in the language of the NASB just to make it clearer, "You have circled this mountain long enough. Now turn north." That is what I feel like God has been saying to me lately. "Michelle. you have been here long enough. You have circled this mountain so many times you have it memorized. Michelle, stop going in circles, it's time to turn north." A different direction...sometimes you just get used to same path, the same people. Sometimes you just find yourself getting so comfortable that you can walk the path and not pay that much attention. And so maybe I have circled the mountain long enough. Maybe it is time for a different direction. What if sometimes we get so acquainted with the path circling the mountain that we forget to climb the mountain itself? Maybe we just enjoyed the mountaintop so much that we want to hang around and just keep circling what we knew at one point to be good. Maybe sometimes it's just that the mountain is familiar and that to us is good enough. But sometimes if you listen, God whispers and says to quit circling the mountain and head in a different direction. For my family and me, this has meant a change in where we used to belong. It has meant a journey to find where God wants us to be. For me personally, it has also been a call to quit circling around the mountain carrying a backpack full of excuses. It is a call to lay down the excuses and all that encumbers me, and to quit circling and start climbing. Maybe God is telling all of us that it's time to stop circling the mountain and to head north. What mountain are you circling and why? "For everyone to whom much is given, from him much will be required; " (Luke 12:48 NKJV) If I heard it once, I heard it a thousand times...."to whom much is given, much is expected." I never looked that verse up until he passed away. I didn't have a need to read it for myself because I knew that he knew it was there and he reminded me of the verse often enough. I have been given much. I am blessed beyond measure. I have done nothing to deserve the blessings that have come to my life from the hand of God. I am merely the recipient of His undeserved grace and mercy. But for some reason they come....the blessings. They are there, too numerous to count. I find them behind storm clouds. I find them under rocks that I struggled to overturn. Sometimes they are hidden in sleepless nights or tears that fall way too easy. But there are blessings everyday. Years ago I heard His voice calling me to write. I had asked Him how it was that I was supposed to share the many wonderful things I had witnessed Him orchestrate in my life to my kids . I had asked Him how I was supposed to begin to communicate to them how very real God was and how absolutely essential He had been in my life. He told me to write it down. My answer? I am not a writer. And yet, here I am. I am ready to write. I had a dream in March in which He asked me to jump from a ledge, trusting that He would catch me, but not promising that He wouldn't allow me to fall for awhile. Since that dream I lost my precious grandfather, awaited news to see if my daughter had cancer, went on the trip of a lifetime, and have lost most of the titles that I would have used to define who I am. What changed my mind? Within five days in the month of August, I went from being a Sunday School teacher, choir member, Christmas program director, effective teacher, and Colossians 3:23 employee to none of the above. When I ran to Him crying that I didn't understand why I had to give up what I thought was my ministry. When I ran to Him and asked why I was defined by test scores or why the truth had made me a prisoner rather than free. When I ran to tell Him that I was overwhelmed and tired. What was His response? First I found myself once again In the Hand of God, surrounded by the peace that passes all understanding. And then I heard that all familiar answer....write it down, Michelle. Yes, I give you my comfort, but I don't mean for you to keep it to yourself. And so according to 2 Corinthians 1:4, "Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." , here is my blog. Maybe years spent being found in, and being led by, the hand of God, can help comfort someone else. |
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