This place where I am is dark. I would be lying if I said that I wasn't afraid. But You know what it is that I am afraid of the most. It isn't the heartbreak. It isn't the darkness. It isn't even Satan. The thing that I find most paralyzing about all of this is that I will probably disappoint You, and in so doing I will destroy my calling. But God, surely You know where I am. God, I have tried so very hard to walk this path in a way that You would be pleased with, but I am human and weak...so very weak and broken. The scary part is that I am very much aware of how vulnerable I am at this point, and yet the battle rages on with more intensity every single day. Surely You know how tired how I am....how broken....bitter.....worn.
God, he has done his homework. He knows me well. He has managed to turn things You are doing in the lives of others into ammunition for me. It's crazy that I fall for it. It's crazy that at this point in my life that I would even let myself still hang out there with those thoughts and dreams of yesterday when You have made it clear that those may never have been Your intentions anyway. But God it made sense. It went along with everything I have been taught. It was straight from the writings of Paul. Everything lined up and made perfect sense. But that is gone now....probably forever. I wonder if maybe it was Your will originally and sin messed up the plan, or was it never Your plan to begin with? Maybe it was mine and I just didn't know it. But God, this new plan....it has to be Yours. God, I would never have come up with this on my own. It makes absolutely no sense, and as for Paul and his letters....well, he wouldn't be at all happy. God, I think I liked the other way better. I understood it. This one I don't understand.
God, I woke up at four this morning and I felt like I had been beaten. I feel like I have been beaten from my head to my toes, and then I have been bound and gagged. My hands and feet are tied so tightly that I cannot imagine even being able to move the tip of my toe. I cannot speak, and even if I could there are no words. And I find myself in the bottom of the deepest darkest pit alone. I dare not think about what might be down here with me in this darkness, I cannot let myself go there right now. It's hard to see anything down here, but I'm pretty sure the top of the pit is encircled by ravenous wolves. I can see their shadows and hear them panting. I guess they're waiting there in case I somehow manage to get out of here.
I can hear You calling me. It isn't that I can't hear Your voice because I do. It's just that right now I am afraid to move,. I don't understand how I can get myself free from these things that have me bound, and even if some way I do get loose I cannot comprehend how I can begin to climb out of here. And let's pretend I do get out....what about the wolves at the top?
But I hear you call over and over to me. The way You speak my name touches my soul in ways I cannot explain. You are calling me to come to You. We have an appointment You and I. You have invited me to join You on a small mountaintop in the distance. You are waiting for me there. I have this picture of me sitting with You there by a fire under the majesty of your sky filled with stars like sparkling diamonds. I am roasting marshmallows and You are telling me about he journey ahead until we meet again on another mountain further in the distance. I can see myself in the light of the fire...I'm all cleaned up and covered in bandages. You've brushed my hair and washed my tear streaked face. My body is battered but not broken, and it is alive from Your touch.
But God, right now I am still down here in this darkness. It seems pointless to try and yet my soul has heard You call my name. No one else says my name like You do. No one else can awaken me like that. And so it doesn't really matter where I am because I have to be near You. I start to figure out how to loosen the bands and even how to use them to create temporary bandages to cover my wounds to make the climb less painful. I don't give much thought to the wolves now....right now I just have to get out of the pit. My brain tells me how impossible this is, but my heart...it doesn't know that word. It only needs to hear the Voice that it loves above all others. It only needs to be with You.
And then I hear You ask me if I need anything. My brain wants to answer quickly and request rope, a flashlight, a weapon, and a ladder. But my heart interrupts. A flashlight would only reveal the contents of the pit and I don't need to be distracted by other fears. The ladder would be helpful but too heavy to carry with me after I get out. My heart is funny. The things it wants and needs are not what most would request. My heart wants some things for this journey. First I need water....Living Water. Second, I need one of those Elijah combo meals. I need to be fed in a way that will strengthen me for forty days and nights. And God, in some combination I need a Mordecai, an Elisha, an Aaron, and a Hur. I need a Mordecai to instruct me, love me, and point me to Your will for me. I need an Elisha to point out that when defeat looks certain because the opposition is too great , that there are invisible armies that protect and surround me that far outnumber those of the enemy. And lastly I need an Aaron and Hur to help hold me up when I am tired and without strength.
Without much thought I find myself starting to work loose from my bonds. I keep hearing You call my name and I see that picture of us on the mountaintop in my head. I am tired and bleeding. It makes no sense to try....and yet this heart of mine, it knows Your voice and it longs for You. And so I'm on my way. I have no idea how I am going to get there and I don't know how long it will take, but I am on my way to You.