Tomorrow is the first day of March. The majority of events that have proved themselves to be life-changing for me have occurred in the month of March. When I was fifteen, my uncle passed away in March at the age of 33. My life was never the same. Years later my aunt, his sister, passed away as well. Last March was no different. Last March my life changed forever. On March 27, 2013, I lost my grandfather. He loved me unlike anyone else. I wasn't prepared for the hole that his absence would leave in my heart.
But perhaps the biggest change in my life occurred on March 18. 2013. I have heard God speak to me in many different ways, but never really audibly in a dream. I dreamed I was with Stephen and the kids in a tall building and there had been an earthquake. Most of the building had fallen away and we were on an upper floor with only a small section of a hallway to walk on or you would fall to your death. All the doors were locked, but there was a hallway a few feet away that led to safety. We found a ladder to stretch across a missing section of hallway and put a board on it, and Stephen got across and then I sent the kids. They ran ahead to get help and I told them I would follow. As they went out of sight, the ladder fell. I was left standing in a locked doorway clinging to the door facing and was praying. In my dream, God told me to let go of the door facing. I was crying and told Him I would fall. He answered, "Yes, for a few minutes, but then I will catch you." I reminded Him that I can ride any roller coaster, but that I hate free fall. He simply stated, " I know that. That's why I need you to trust Me enough to let go." I let go of the door facing and could feel myself falling and then I stopped in midair landing on a mattress. I woke up and my heart was beating out of my chest.
At the time I thought the dream was to tell me not to worry about some issues we were having with some real estate. Little did I know, but that wasn't it at all. God was getting me ready to learn how to let go and trust Him completely. The year that has followed that dream has been more life-changing for me that any other time of my life. God set me on a path to learning that loving Him wasn't safe and following Him wasn't easy, but it was definitely worth it. In the last twelve months, I have faced many things. I'm not talking about normal everyday issues like family squabbles and finances. I faced mountains and heart breaking moments that made me forget how to breathe. In the last year, I went from clinging in desperation to door facings, like my positions and my personal strengths to holding absolutely nothing and falling helplessly and fearfully into the hand of God.
As March returns tomorrow, I find myself a new creation. I no longer bother to reach for the door facing or any other person or thing. I have learned not only to let go, but to willingly jump when God calls me to do so. The experiences of the last year brought me pain, sorrow, and extraordinary loss. But let me assure you that the experiences of the last year also brought me unspeakable joy and a stronger desire to truly surrender my life to God. There is no joy that compares to when you find yourself in the deepest darkest of pits surrounded by your worst fears having become your reality, and quietly you hear His voice whispering in the darkness that He hasn't left you, and to lift your head for your Father is waiting to hold your heart and dry your tears.
And so I prepare to march boldly into this month of March, knowing that the God who created everything knows my heart and wishes to heal the broken places. I believe that the experiences that left me broken in the last twelve months, will be the very experiences that prepare me for something beautiful in the next twelve months. God had a lesson for me. He wanted to teach me to free fall. Now that I have learned to trust His hand, I truly believe my next lesson will not be how to fall, but how to soar.
Eventually it has to stop doesn't it? He has to know how tired I am doesn't He? And yet the burdens pile higher and not just imcreasing in steps anymore, but coming in multiple in the same day. It isn't like this is new really. The burdens have become my normal, but just not this overwhelming.
Yet I don't dare ask why, because I know the answer. I was warned. I even wrote it down in October. "The day you step out in faith, put yourself out there, state your opinions, declare yourself for Christ...that day the enemy sets his sights on you with fervor." That's what I had done. I made a decision in August to step out in faith toward something I felt God calling me. Since that time the calling has become stronger and the attack has increased.
The temptation to throw up my hands is always present. I am completely aware of my own insecurities and weaknesses. I am perfectly aware of how impossible the call seems. I am aware of how difficult the journey will be for my family. I realize that the best thing to do seems to be to just try to forget about it....but I can't. The voice is getting louder. The beckoning within my soul is sometimes deafening. As much as I try to fight it, the more I find myself wanting it. Every time I find myself almost letting go, He sends confirmation and usually in a very big and undeniable way.
So I find myself standing on the edge of God's will and what seems realistic. I find myself torn between the dream of a call and the realism of the struggle. I know that choosing to deny the call is to deny a blessing....possibly my true God-given appointment. I hear the thunder, feel the rain, and see the lightning. I feel the doubt and fear start to creep inside. In the noise of the storm I can barely hear His voice saying, "If you want to follow and choose this path, don't be afraid of the battle . I will fight the battle for you. You must simply position yourself, stand still, and see what I will do." (2 Chronicles 20:17) And so I continue with renewed determination knowing that the God who calls me will make the way. . My only hope, my only peace, is that He is working in it all...I am broken and in the hands of the Potter. Even in the pain there is no better place to be.