Well God,, here we are. The fifth day of November arrived at midnight last night as I lay listening to my IPod. Just another day to anyone else except for us. I was told that I shouldn't remember days because they were bad, but that isn't what you said. In the Old Testament many great men who followed You built altars of remembrance. Altars to symbolize where they met with You. Altars to remember Your deliverance and providence. So why shouldn't a girl in 2014 build an altar of remembrance in her mind? A place to look back and remember her meeting with God?
So in the past few months I have worked hard to take the stones that I might have thrown and to bring them to this place. I have worked hard to collect the rocks that stood as boulders, and rather than hurl them or let them deter me from the path I was to take, instead to gather them up into something that You might see as beautiful. And so on this private anniversary, I present to you my altar of remembrance and offer you my thanksgiving.
Thank you for listening to me scream and complain about how unfair it is. Thank you for allowing the Holy Spirit to give utterance when I had no words to describe the pain. Thank you for meeting me at all hours of the night. Thank you for the stars overhead that helped me to focus on You. Thank you for meeting me wherever I was whether in my bed, on the hammock, in the kitchen floor, or in a fetal position in the den. Thank you for teaching me that You are all I need.
God, I am broken. I am a mess. You asked me to jump and my fear of falling kept me from obeying. I held on so tight that You had to show me how painful it was to let go by being forced to do so. You watched as I experienced one of my greatest fears magnified more than I imagined. The reflection I saw of myself in the mirror changed to be unrecognizable. I am changed.
So God, as I find myself bowing at my self-erected altar, I know that I should simply be content with expressing gratitude. But God, I am human and in my humanness I need to make requests of You. God, please help me to look at my reflection and see that the reason I no longer see myself is because I see You in me. God, remind me that in facing one of my greatest fears I have found one of my greatest victories over Satan. Please teach me to let go more freely knowing it all rests in Your hand anyway. Heavenly Father please teach me not to fear, but to trust in You. Teach me to jump. Teach me that sometimes I will fall, but in falling I experience what it feels like to be caught in Your arms. Take my mess and make it my message. Take my brokenness and replace it with boldness.
So God, before I rise from this altar of remembrance, help me to look to the future. For in this year of brokenness and pain, You bestowed upon me a great gift. You have given me Your dream for my life. My Great Tailor has gathered all my messy broken threads and begun to use them to weave a beautiful tapestry. It sure looks like a mess to me right now, but You promise to make it my message. You allowed the pain in order to give me purpose. God, in the past year You have taught me what it feels like to fall. Could you take me now and teach me to fly? Even if it's with a broken wing? I have caught glimpses of what it could be like soaring in the sunset uplifted by the breeze of Your love and grace. God, teach me to dream this dream that came from You. Help me to give the comfort You have given me to others. And God, before I go....I love You.